Defense Wins Championships


The Elite :-P
I'd love to, but...

1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 the President said he might drop in.
5 the man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 it's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 there's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 my crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 my patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 the grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 it's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 my subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 none of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 you know how we psychos are.
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 my uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 my palm reader advised against it.
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.


The Elite :-P
My Life on Planet Earth
Alf's Secret Diary

Space Log Entry 684.1
2:45 P.M.
Los Angeles, Cal.

Dear Space Log,

As I make yet another entry in my journal, I look back through the mustard and gravy stains of my past entries and sincerely hope that these chronicles are not written in vain. It is my wish someday that they'll fall into the right hands and I'll get a huge advance for the publishing and movie rights.

Hard to believe that it's been more than two years since my spaceship landed on Earth. Although, technically, it wasn't really a landing. Landings are made right side up at less than Mach 2, and without teeth flying around the cabin. So let's call it a "controlled crash" that just happened to demolish everything in it's path. Which reminds me, I still haven't heard from Mutual of Melmac about my insurance claim. I guess my insurance agent's been pretty busy since the planet blew up. I can understand that, but mass devastation is no excuse for poor service. Never do business with your brother-in-law.

Not that I had a choice or anything, but I consider myself pretty lucky having ended up on Earth. I could have done worse. I could have ended up on Weinberger, a pitless planet inhabited by mimes. It's pathetic to watch an entire population pretend to be trapped inside a glass box.

Anyway, Earth was a pretty lucky break. At first, I thought the best thing about it was that it was in one piece, but once I got used to all the silly rules it was OK. It's amazing how many things are exactly the opposite on Melmac. Like, do you remember my old pal Lippity Lepiner from the Cat-Snackers Club who was carted off to jail because he didn't end a sentence with a preposition? Well, he might still be in the slammer if he lived here, but for cat-snacking, not illiteracy. Go figure. Oh, and speaking of cats, dig this. You know how I hoped to land in the Persian Gulf, 'cause that's where I thought cats were from? Not true... they're everywhere, even here in California. That's where I ended up, California, and that was pretty lucky too because you know how I always wanted to be in show business? I'm in it.

I've even got my own television show. Me and Geraldo, who would have figured? I'll admit at first I was a little reluctant to get into TV. Especially when I saw what it did for Bruce Jenner's Career. I needed a job and the offers weren't exactly pouring in. It was a choice between starring in a sitcom or being Willard Scott's stunt toupee. The gamble paid off.

Here I am, two years later with a hit television show, my own apartment, and a woman named Ramona who comes in twice a week to vacuum me. I can't complain. I also made a lot of new friends here, and most importantly, I've got fans. Fans who care about me. Fans who send me scratch-and-sniff photos of their pets. I really appreciate the attention and the kindness, and I truly believe that Earthlings are basically good. Sure, there are a few bad apples in the upholstery business, but that's a given.

As far as my future goes, who knows? I'd like to maybe be remembered as an ambassador from another planet who brought goodwill and thoughts. Maybe even a chuckle or two. If there's one thing I've learned about Earthlings, It's that they take themselves too seriously. I'm trying my best to set an example by living up to the old Melmacian proverb: "Eat, drink and lighten up, for tomorrow you might get audited." I'd like to see this planet take that advice. Earth is a great place. Everyone here should know that. Maybe if they did, they'd take better care of it. I learned that lesson the hard way. You can really miss your planet once it's gone.

Till next time...
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