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Deadspin.com
Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Pittsburgh Steelers
Drew Magary
Some people are fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
1. He's Todd Haley and you're not. I can't think of a better 1-2 asshole punch than Todd Haley working with Ben Roethlisberger. CBS should have an iso camera trained on Haley at all times that streams online, just so I can watch him mouth out curse words at my leisure. I can already see the sideline conversation between these two after every series:
HALEY: You see this? (twirls ball on index finger) This is a ball and I'm so fucking badass I can spin it on my finger for five seconds plus. YOUR ONE JOB IS TO GET RID OF THE FUCKING THING.
BIG BEN: HARF HARF BIG BEN JUST WANTS A PUSSY TO GRAB.
HALEY: You've got a fucking attitude, young man. WHY DON'T YOU POLISH MY CAMARO AND THINK ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT TO BE PART OF THIS TEAM?
I want these two to get into a sideline brawl so badly, I can taste it. Despite wisely spending a couple of draft choices on offensive linemen, this team still blows at pass protection. And so it'll be neat to watch Haley call for seven-step drops 40 times a game specifically because he thinks it could help toughen up his QB. I'm also excited for Haley to bench Mike Wallace after he ends his holdout. NO GLORY BOYS ON HIS OFFENSE.
2. HEY WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO (CLAP CLAP). Go to any Steelers bar and you will hear that chant—that breathtakingly dumb chant—on a loop for four straight hours. Last year, I found myself stuck in a New York Steelers bar and it was pure anguish. Hell on Earth. Watching football with Steelers fans make me want to not like football anymore. The place REEKED. Just this massive swarm of fat, sweaty bodies and day-glo orange fingernails soaked in wing sauce. Every Steelers fan smells like a beer someone farted in. And all they did was say that stupid fucking chant over and over again regardless of the situation. First down? HERE WE GO STEELERS. Big Ben fumbles? HERE WE GO STEELERS. They're like big fat robots. They had NOTHING else to say to each other. Just this collective mass of dead brain cells. And they're EVERYWHERE. They're in every city, and God they'll never let you forget it.
And the worst part about Steelers fans is that they think you like them. The media has sucked on the Steelers' dick for so long that Pittsburgh fans have become convinced that they're REALER fans than you and I. They find themselves adorable. LOOK AT US WITH OUR TOWELS! WE'RE SO MUCH MORE FUN THAN RAVENS FANS! No, you are not. You're just as bad. In fact, you're worse. I can escape from Ravens fans. You assholes are all over the place, like a bacterium. I went to the beach this summer and Steelers fans constituted 90 percent of the visible white beach trash. Thousands of 300-pound mouthbreathers with Steelers shoulder tats and husky wives rocking Big Ben jerseys in 90-degree heat.
And they aren't as jovial as they pretend to be. Most Steelers fans are supremely arrogant, mistaken in the belief that their town, their team, is far tougher than yours. DURRRR WE HIT HARD DURRRRR. They take to Twitter every chance they get to put down other teams, particularly the Ravens. The second Joe Flacco locks down a receiver, you can bet there will be 700,000 Steelers fans there to note it and go on for hours about what makes him such an inferior quarterback. Just this endless stream of constant, unprovoked, relentless arrogance. All because your team has six rings. THE PRESIDENT SAYS YOU DIDN'T BUILD THAT.
3. Old as shit. Big Ben's body is aging at twice the rate of a normal human being's. Hines Ward was traded to the Gotham City Rogues. James Harrison's got a bad knee. Rashard Mendenhall's ACL is gone. Troy Polamalu's enormous hair still can't protect him for getting his 60th concussion. Ryan Clark isn't young enough to aim for the knees anymore like he always used to. This team is a fucking museum. They'll coast to 10 wins this year just because the schedule is so ridiculously soft, but it's gonna be another one-and-out in the playoffs and after that the whole thing will collapse like the Gotham Stadium field turf and it'll be nothing but 8-8 records and desultory losses to the Browns for you for the next decade. THERE YOU GO STEELERS THERE YOU GO.
4. Tebow owns you. Remember, this is the team that let Tim Tebow throw for 316 yards on it in the playoffs. Tim Tebow can't throw for 316 yards against a flag football team. But against this assisted living outpost he was a GOD. I'm very excited for this team to surrender 700 yards to Matt Schaub in the divisional round.
Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Pittsburgh Steelers
Drew Magary
Some people are fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
1. He's Todd Haley and you're not. I can't think of a better 1-2 asshole punch than Todd Haley working with Ben Roethlisberger. CBS should have an iso camera trained on Haley at all times that streams online, just so I can watch him mouth out curse words at my leisure. I can already see the sideline conversation between these two after every series:
HALEY: You see this? (twirls ball on index finger) This is a ball and I'm so fucking badass I can spin it on my finger for five seconds plus. YOUR ONE JOB IS TO GET RID OF THE FUCKING THING.
BIG BEN: HARF HARF BIG BEN JUST WANTS A PUSSY TO GRAB.
HALEY: You've got a fucking attitude, young man. WHY DON'T YOU POLISH MY CAMARO AND THINK ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT TO BE PART OF THIS TEAM?
I want these two to get into a sideline brawl so badly, I can taste it. Despite wisely spending a couple of draft choices on offensive linemen, this team still blows at pass protection. And so it'll be neat to watch Haley call for seven-step drops 40 times a game specifically because he thinks it could help toughen up his QB. I'm also excited for Haley to bench Mike Wallace after he ends his holdout. NO GLORY BOYS ON HIS OFFENSE.
2. HEY WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO (CLAP CLAP). Go to any Steelers bar and you will hear that chant—that breathtakingly dumb chant—on a loop for four straight hours. Last year, I found myself stuck in a New York Steelers bar and it was pure anguish. Hell on Earth. Watching football with Steelers fans make me want to not like football anymore. The place REEKED. Just this massive swarm of fat, sweaty bodies and day-glo orange fingernails soaked in wing sauce. Every Steelers fan smells like a beer someone farted in. And all they did was say that stupid fucking chant over and over again regardless of the situation. First down? HERE WE GO STEELERS. Big Ben fumbles? HERE WE GO STEELERS. They're like big fat robots. They had NOTHING else to say to each other. Just this collective mass of dead brain cells. And they're EVERYWHERE. They're in every city, and God they'll never let you forget it.
And the worst part about Steelers fans is that they think you like them. The media has sucked on the Steelers' dick for so long that Pittsburgh fans have become convinced that they're REALER fans than you and I. They find themselves adorable. LOOK AT US WITH OUR TOWELS! WE'RE SO MUCH MORE FUN THAN RAVENS FANS! No, you are not. You're just as bad. In fact, you're worse. I can escape from Ravens fans. You assholes are all over the place, like a bacterium. I went to the beach this summer and Steelers fans constituted 90 percent of the visible white beach trash. Thousands of 300-pound mouthbreathers with Steelers shoulder tats and husky wives rocking Big Ben jerseys in 90-degree heat.
And they aren't as jovial as they pretend to be. Most Steelers fans are supremely arrogant, mistaken in the belief that their town, their team, is far tougher than yours. DURRRR WE HIT HARD DURRRRR. They take to Twitter every chance they get to put down other teams, particularly the Ravens. The second Joe Flacco locks down a receiver, you can bet there will be 700,000 Steelers fans there to note it and go on for hours about what makes him such an inferior quarterback. Just this endless stream of constant, unprovoked, relentless arrogance. All because your team has six rings. THE PRESIDENT SAYS YOU DIDN'T BUILD THAT.
3. Old as shit. Big Ben's body is aging at twice the rate of a normal human being's. Hines Ward was traded to the Gotham City Rogues. James Harrison's got a bad knee. Rashard Mendenhall's ACL is gone. Troy Polamalu's enormous hair still can't protect him for getting his 60th concussion. Ryan Clark isn't young enough to aim for the knees anymore like he always used to. This team is a fucking museum. They'll coast to 10 wins this year just because the schedule is so ridiculously soft, but it's gonna be another one-and-out in the playoffs and after that the whole thing will collapse like the Gotham Stadium field turf and it'll be nothing but 8-8 records and desultory losses to the Browns for you for the next decade. THERE YOU GO STEELERS THERE YOU GO.
4. Tebow owns you. Remember, this is the team that let Tim Tebow throw for 316 yards on it in the playoffs. Tim Tebow can't throw for 316 yards against a flag football team. But against this assisted living outpost he was a GOD. I'm very excited for this team to surrender 700 yards to Matt Schaub in the divisional round.