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Deadspin.com
Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Chicago Bears
Drew Magary
Some people are fans of the Chicago Bears. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Chicago Bears. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
1. Lovie. Lovie Smith belongs on the bizarro Mount Rushmore of active NFL head coaches (Reid, Turner, Lewis) who are seemingly impervious to unemployment despite their best efforts to fuck their own team in the ass on a regular basis. Part of me would like to see the NFL give each team five timeouts per half just so I could see how Lovie wastes them. No one is better at taking a timeout to figure out whether or not he wants to throw a challenge flag on a four-yard completion than Lovie Smith.
I root for a team that has a rich history of terrible coaching, and yet whenever they play the Bears, I still take solace in the fact that, at least once a game, Lovie Smith will offer the Vikings an undeserved chance to seize victory (Leslie Frazier usually takes that opportunity and immediately reciprocates). The Bears could start an Avenger at every position on defense and Lovie Smith would still find a way not to win a championship. Remember, Lovie Smith once challenged a Marty Booker incompletion that already came with a pass interference flag attached to it. I swear that happened. Lovie Smith is fucking horrible. And he's virtually unkillable! Thirty years from now, he'll still be coaching this team, consulting into his mouthpiece with a red flag gripped firmly in his hand.
2. Cutlerfucker. Remember, he's not actually a human being. He's a housecat in disguise. Jay Cutler makes McKayla Maroney look enthusiastic. His joylessness actually shows up on meteorological charts. You'll notice that no one has ever said of Jay Cutler: "Oh, he's a great guy once you get to know him. He's not sulky like that in real life!" Cutler is the rare public figure whose true identity perfectly matches his perceived identity: pouty, mopey, indifferent, shitty. He leads this team with all the excitement of an eighth grader stuck in study hall. I remain convinced that the Bears never do anything to shore up their offensive line specifically because they want to see Cutler get sacked 90 times a season. He's like Jeff George made from distillate. Sack him enough times and he'll just openly quit. He'll bring an XBox out onto the field and start playing it. WHATEVER, PFFT. I BANG FAMOUS PEOPLE.
3. Mike Ditka is a fucking idiot. Do you realize that ESPN still employs Mike Ditka? To talk? Have they actually heard this man speak? It's like having a cinder block occupy one of the chairs on your set. DURRRRR I LIKE THE TOUGHNESS OF THESE BEARS DURRR I DENY EVERYTHING UNFLATTERING SAID ABOUT SWEETNESS DURRRR. No one—not even the average Bears fan—has suckled off the tit of 1985 quite like this man. Every time I hear Ditka speak, I become convinced that the 1985 Bears were really coached by Buddy Ryan and a rotating group of drunken team captains. Ditka is a fucking buttsteak, and it galls me to think that he serves as a kind of unofficial ambassador for the city of Chicago. It's one of the greatest cities in the world, and here's Andy Reid's drunk uncle representing it. He's less a football legend than a hilarious caricature of one.
I guess I should expect Ditka worship from Bears fans, a group of people who still think shouting "DA BEARS" is funny (it isn't), a group of people who happily ignore anything Bears-related any time the Cubs come within a sniff of playoff baseball, a group of fatties who secretly loathe the idea of hauling ass to Soldier Field from their relatively cushy digs on the North Side, a group of people who routinely insist that their rivalry with the Packers is the greatest in sport when the rest of the world knows it's just another stupid divisional game now. A lot of Bears fans remind me of Mike Wilbon, which makes sense because Mike Wilbon is a fucking fartsniffer.
4. Brandon Marshall will hit you with a fucking brick. I think it's cute that the Bears want to recreate the '08 Broncos—a team that went 8-8—by trading two third-round picks (!) for Brandon Marshall. Just as a refresher, here's a snippet from Brandon Marshall's timeline (yes, timeline) of horrible, awful acts:
What a guy. Only Lovie Smith will be shocked when Marshall gets six DUIs before Week 8. When Marshall was accused of hitting another lady during the offseason, linebacker and Jenny McCarthy seminal outlet Brian Urlacher said, "The only thing I worry about is him getting suspended." One thing that won't worry him: whether or not that woman will need facial reconstruction surgery after getting fisted in the mouth. Also, Alshon Jeffery is fat.
Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Chicago Bears
Drew Magary
Some people are fans of the Chicago Bears. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Chicago Bears. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
1. Lovie. Lovie Smith belongs on the bizarro Mount Rushmore of active NFL head coaches (Reid, Turner, Lewis) who are seemingly impervious to unemployment despite their best efforts to fuck their own team in the ass on a regular basis. Part of me would like to see the NFL give each team five timeouts per half just so I could see how Lovie wastes them. No one is better at taking a timeout to figure out whether or not he wants to throw a challenge flag on a four-yard completion than Lovie Smith.
I root for a team that has a rich history of terrible coaching, and yet whenever they play the Bears, I still take solace in the fact that, at least once a game, Lovie Smith will offer the Vikings an undeserved chance to seize victory (Leslie Frazier usually takes that opportunity and immediately reciprocates). The Bears could start an Avenger at every position on defense and Lovie Smith would still find a way not to win a championship. Remember, Lovie Smith once challenged a Marty Booker incompletion that already came with a pass interference flag attached to it. I swear that happened. Lovie Smith is fucking horrible. And he's virtually unkillable! Thirty years from now, he'll still be coaching this team, consulting into his mouthpiece with a red flag gripped firmly in his hand.
2. Cutlerfucker. Remember, he's not actually a human being. He's a housecat in disguise. Jay Cutler makes McKayla Maroney look enthusiastic. His joylessness actually shows up on meteorological charts. You'll notice that no one has ever said of Jay Cutler: "Oh, he's a great guy once you get to know him. He's not sulky like that in real life!" Cutler is the rare public figure whose true identity perfectly matches his perceived identity: pouty, mopey, indifferent, shitty. He leads this team with all the excitement of an eighth grader stuck in study hall. I remain convinced that the Bears never do anything to shore up their offensive line specifically because they want to see Cutler get sacked 90 times a season. He's like Jeff George made from distillate. Sack him enough times and he'll just openly quit. He'll bring an XBox out onto the field and start playing it. WHATEVER, PFFT. I BANG FAMOUS PEOPLE.
3. Mike Ditka is a fucking idiot. Do you realize that ESPN still employs Mike Ditka? To talk? Have they actually heard this man speak? It's like having a cinder block occupy one of the chairs on your set. DURRRRR I LIKE THE TOUGHNESS OF THESE BEARS DURRR I DENY EVERYTHING UNFLATTERING SAID ABOUT SWEETNESS DURRRR. No one—not even the average Bears fan—has suckled off the tit of 1985 quite like this man. Every time I hear Ditka speak, I become convinced that the 1985 Bears were really coached by Buddy Ryan and a rotating group of drunken team captains. Ditka is a fucking buttsteak, and it galls me to think that he serves as a kind of unofficial ambassador for the city of Chicago. It's one of the greatest cities in the world, and here's Andy Reid's drunk uncle representing it. He's less a football legend than a hilarious caricature of one.
I guess I should expect Ditka worship from Bears fans, a group of people who still think shouting "DA BEARS" is funny (it isn't), a group of people who happily ignore anything Bears-related any time the Cubs come within a sniff of playoff baseball, a group of fatties who secretly loathe the idea of hauling ass to Soldier Field from their relatively cushy digs on the North Side, a group of people who routinely insist that their rivalry with the Packers is the greatest in sport when the rest of the world knows it's just another stupid divisional game now. A lot of Bears fans remind me of Mike Wilbon, which makes sense because Mike Wilbon is a fucking fartsniffer.
4. Brandon Marshall will hit you with a fucking brick. I think it's cute that the Bears want to recreate the '08 Broncos—a team that went 8-8—by trading two third-round picks (!) for Brandon Marshall. Just as a refresher, here's a snippet from Brandon Marshall's timeline (yes, timeline) of horrible, awful acts:
What a guy. Only Lovie Smith will be shocked when Marshall gets six DUIs before Week 8. When Marshall was accused of hitting another lady during the offseason, linebacker and Jenny McCarthy seminal outlet Brian Urlacher said, "The only thing I worry about is him getting suspended." One thing that won't worry him: whether or not that woman will need facial reconstruction surgery after getting fisted in the mouth. Also, Alshon Jeffery is fat.