icup

Super Moderator
Messages
9,575
Reaction score
5,472
Why Your Team Sucks 2018: Dallas Cowboys
Drew Magary



arzt2neiwkice7hzuh2z.jpg



Your team: America’s Toilet Clog.



Your 2017 record: 9-7. Pretty amazing that they won nine ballgames despite putting more effort into preventing Zeke Elliott’s suspension than they put into winning actual games. During one three-game slump, they were outscored by 70 points. They let one dude sack their quarterback six times in a single game. And they allowed what is easily the dumbest Hail Mary touchdown I’ve ever seen:

DDdave

Practice Squad
Messages
143
Reaction score
17
JG never runs Zeke 50, 40, 30 times in a game. Hell, if Zeke gets 8 yards a carry and 64 yards in the first half you can bet JG will bench him the second half.
 

ThoughtExperiment

Quality Starter
Messages
9,906
Reaction score
3
That recent TMZ clip is the first one I've seen where Jerry really sounded like a slow old drunk.

Maybe even all Jerry's hobo hearts can't defeat Father Time after all.
 

NoMoRedJ

UDFA
Messages
2,477
Reaction score
56
This is classic:

This man’s brain is in his dick. Like the NFL itself, there is no PR crisis that Jerry Jones cannot make worse by barging in with his bad taste, his wooden fangs, and his wrinkly hard-on. He’ll just ride in, loaded up on Johnnie Walker, and then he’ll take a steaming dump to mark his territory.
 
Messages
2,278
Reaction score
53
Confirmation of what I already knew - Cowboys media types definitely lurk here. This is the only place you get the unadulterated truth about the team.

Besides all the drama surrounding the team yet again, there is the fact that we have no safeties, no defensive tackles, no tight ends, and a very suspect WR crew to clue in those without cognitive dissonance that this team is a shit show once again, and nothing has changed.

A huge percentage of our fans are even worse fretting about losing guys like Dez Bryant whom the Cleveland Browns appear to be wisely staying away from after his "I don't really give a shit" interview.

The whole thing has morphed into a sick joke.
 
Last edited:
Messages
2,278
Reaction score
53
Also, that self satisfied, smug asshole look on Jerry's ugly mug as he kneels with the team, thus taking a huge shit on America while simultaneously thinking he's doing the right thing, is a perfect momentary encapsulation of Jerry Jones the human being.
 

theoneandonly

Quality Starter
Messages
5,258
Reaction score
531
Confirmation of what I already knew - Cowboys media types definitely lurk here. This is the only place you get the unadulterated truth about the team.

Besides all the drama surrounding the team yet again, there is the fact that we have no safeties, no defensive tackles, no tight ends, and a very suspect WR crew to clue in those without cognitive dissonance that this team is a shit show once again, and nothing has changed.

A huge percentage of our fans are even worse fretting about losing guys like Dez Bryant whom the Cleveland Browns appear to be wisely staying away from after his "I don't really give a shit" interview.

The whole thing has morphed into a sick joke.

I agree media lurkers steal our material, and 100% agree with your roster assessment. Add that I think they are about to find out the hard way about the O Line depth.
 

NoMoRedJ

UDFA
Messages
2,477
Reaction score
56
If Fred Beard or Martin miss any substantial time this team will struggle to equal the Campo teams.
 

Dodger12

Super Moderator
Messages
7,044
Reaction score
3,746
I dunno but I'm thinking of suing him for stealing all the DCU material.

Damn straight. As I was reading it I was wondering which one of us wrote it. And if no one here wrote that masterpiece, then that guy got all his material from here.
 

Doomsday

High Plains Drifter
Messages
21,397
Reaction score
3,792
Damn straight. As I was reading it I was wondering which one of us wrote it. And if no one here wrote that masterpiece, then that guy got all his material from here.

Including the die Jerry die sentiments.
 
Top Bottom